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Derek Trotter's Uncle Albert is being prepared for deployment to the East Mediterranean after it was revealed that HMS Dragon will need a further two weeks to reach the war-torn region. The highly decorated, 12-times-sunk Peckham...
Following a multi-million-pound study conducted at Durham University, academics are telling men to urinate in sinks if they want to minimise the chances of splashback. The groundbreaking research project involved more than 500 permanently inebriated men...

Kebab Meat Is Made from Potato, Says Drunk Vegetarian

A strict vegetarian in Portsmouth shocked the local branch of PETA today when he turned up drunk while eating a kebab. Faced with a...

Top Naturalists Get Loads of Fanny, Says Sir David Attenborough

Godfather of nature TV programmes and national treasure Sir Davis Attenborough caused a stir earlier today when he proudly declared to a group of...

Family Voting Scandal: Green Party Celebrate Landslide After Single Family Returns from Holiday Early

The Green Party was able to win the Gorton and Denton by-election yesterday due to a single family's early return from holiday. The unnamed...

It Wasn’t Worth It, Says 97-Year-Old Teetotaller

A 97-year-old man has told the local press in Norwich that living his entire life without tobacco, alcohol, or drugs wasn't worth the sacrifice....

Fat Man Used in Obesity News Reports on TV to Sue

The overweight man regularly featured on BBC News and Sky News to highlight Britain's obesity epidemic is to sue both organisations, he has revealed....

Former Duke of York Denies Claims He Had 10,000 Men

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has hit back at claims he had 10,000 men when he was the Duke of York — calling the rumours a 'vicious...

Andrew Windsor-Mountbatten Converts to Islam: Investigation Immediately Scrapped

In a sensational twist, the police investigation into Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's association with Jeffrey Epstein has been scrapped after the former Duke of York converted...

Sociology Graduate Sues Uni After Becoming Tory During Course

A female graduate is suing Warwick University after she ended up joining the Conservative Party following her three-year sociology degree. Sophie Anderson lodged the...

Cheap Cocaine Contains High Levels of Refined Sugar, Warns Obesity Expert

A leading obesity scientist has urged people to be careful when purchasing cut-price cocaine after he discovered it contains high levels of refined sugar. Dr....

Schoolgirl Sceptical About Weightlifting Chances Against Girl with a Beard

A 16-year-old weightlifter doesn't believe she has what it takes to win a local high school district weightlifting tournament after one of the entrants...

Shit Ventriloquist Declares Bankruptcy After Covid Mask Regulations Lifted

A 45-year-old man from Liverpool has declared bankruptcy three years after Covid mask regulations were lifted in the UK — citing a sudden downturn...

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